I Surrender All…or do I?

This is kinda LONG!

All to Jesus I surrender; 

all to him I freely give; 

I will ever love and trust him, 

in his presence daily live. 

I surrender all, I surrender all, 

all to thee, my blessed Savior, 

I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

humbly at his feet I bow, 

worldly pleasures all forsaken; 

take me, Jesus, take me now. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

make me, Savior, wholly thine; 

fill me with thy love and power; 

truly know that thou art mine. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

Lord, I give myself to thee; 

fill me with thy love and power; 

let thy blessing fall on me. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

now I feel the sacred flame. 

O the joy of full salvation! 

Glory, glory, to his name! 

(Refrain) 

  If you’ve spent any time in church, chances are you know this song.  It has always been one of my favorites and every time we sing it in church, I throw my head back, open my mouth and sing with the gusto of someone auditioning for American Idol, or someone singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.  You get the point; I sing that song HARD and STRONG! I throw my hands in the air and bellow; “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all”.  Most of the time, it brings tears to my eyes and truth be told, there are times when I am feeling a small sense of pride that I have indeed turned my life completely over to The Lord and that I have indeed SURRENDERED ALL.

That is until the morning of Wednesday, May 30, 2012.  Picture this; Baltimore, 2012, the ballroom of the Baltimore Marriott Waterfront Hotel.  I have left my EXPENSIVE hotel room on the 16th floor (with a harbor view) and grudgingly made my way into the 10am Opening Worship Service of the 228th Session of the Baltimore Washington Conference of the United Methodist Church.  I’m here this year because my mother and another lady from my church are being recognized for the completion of a two-year Certified Lay Ministries Class and will become certified later this year.  It’s my first time at Annual Conference (as we call it) and because I am so totally over and out of love with the United Methodist Church, I have a slight attitude. I listened intently to the opening preacher, Rev. Zan Holmes, who was phenomenal (to my surprise). I shouted, “amen” and “that’s right” during his sermon. I applauded loudly and nodded in agreement as he set everyone else straight about their piety and self-importance.  “Good for them, I thought”…until, he recounted a story of God chastening him about his own arrogance.  Ouch! What was that I felt on my toes? I gasped inwardly as I became aware, reminded and convicted of my own arrogance when it comes to the United Methodist Church at large and even more specifically, the Baltimore Washington Conference.  I took a deep breath, swallowed and started to silently repent.  
Then, after the message, there was an altar call. I didn’t go forward, but there in my seat, as the Worship Leader and his band began to play and sing, “I Surrender All”, my hands went up and I sang along. Around the second time I sang the words, “I Surrender All”, it was as if I heard the Voice of The Lord say; “You lie. You don’t surrender all. You refuse to submit and fulfill your calling within the United Methodist Church because you don’t want to be a part of an organization you view as ungodly. You have not surrendered all.” Well, you could have stuck a fork in me because I. Was. Done.  I lowered my hands just a bit, and bowed my head as tears began to stream down my face.  I was lying to say I Surrender All.  I had been fighting The Lord (and everybody else) about my place in the United Methodist Church. I even refused to discuss ministry with my pastor because I had declared; “I want no parts of leadership in the Baltimore Washington Conference. I can’t be a part of an organization that doesn’t uphold Holiness and Godliness”.  The nerve, the unmitigated gall, the undisciplined audacity…the absolute arrogance.  So, while that song was still being played, I continued to cry and I continued to repent.  Boy, did I cry and boy did I repent! By the time the chorus was being sung for the final time, I raised my hands again and TRUTHFULLY sang; “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all”.  
When I sat back down, my hands were shaking and I was still crying. I picked up my BlackBerry and began to compose an email to my pastor.  After the greeting, the email said this; “After spending the majority of this morning’s Worship Service in tears and doing some serious soul searching, I need to go on record in the hearing (or reading, as the case might be) of my pastor.  If The Lord would have me to answer, fulfill, begin, (or whatever else) my calling in the UMC, I will obey.” There were a couple of other things that I wrote, but that was the main message.  It took me a little while to hit send on that email, but I finally did.  I’d told Pastor Berry I didn’t want to discuss it right away, so she didn’t respond to the email, even when she texted me later in the day (I’ve said before that I appreciate that she “gets” me).
Later that same day, I was in the part of another ballroom that Cokesbury (the United Methodist Book and Church Supply Store) had set up as their onsite store. I picked up a couple of books that would help me delve deeper into my understanding of the structure and history of the UMC. I’d picked up a Wesley Study Bible and was debating whether or not to buy it, when the instructor of my mother’s CLM class offered to buy it for me, seriously. I asked him if he was sure and he said that it would bump up his purchase enough to get a discount. I told him that I have about 35 (at last count) Bibles (so he wouldn’t think this was something I NEEDED). He said; “I do the same thing”; and held out his hand for the Bible. So, I thanked him and gave it to him. I believe that was just confirmation that The Lord has placed people around me and in my path to help me walk out the things He’s given me to do. 
When I got back to my room, I opened my new Wesley Study Bible to Isaiah 6, which is one of my favorite passages of Scripture and one of the Lectionary Readings for the first Sunday in June. It was opened up to me in a new light.  I’ve read that story many, many times. I’ve participated in many discussions about that chapter. I’ve debated and rejected the notion that Isaiah somehow idolized Uzziah and that was the reason he didn’t see The Lord until Uzziah’s death. I’ve talked about how being in the presence of The All Holy God makes me realize my own unworthiness. I am well versed in Isaiah 6.  Still, I read it differently on Wednesday.  I saw Isaiah acknowledge his sin and the sin of his people, and allow himself to be cleaned up.  I also saw (this is my interpretation, now. Don’t get all worked up) God basically say; “so what. You come out of the midst of an unclean people. I still need to send someone; I need to send someone from this group.  Who’s it gonna be, Zay?” Then, Isaiah realizing his unclean lips had been cleansed, said; “I’m here; send me”.  I said a series of; “Oh. My God” and my eyes filled again.  I (not God, but me) had declared the BWC ungodly, but here I was in the midst.  I’d allowed the Holy Spirit to cleanse me through the power of His Conviction just a few hours earlier. I said all that to say this; I’m standing right here, right now, cleansed of my arrogance saying to The Lord; “Here am I. Send me” because finally, I have indeed Surrendered All.