I Surrender All…or do I?

This is kinda LONG!

All to Jesus I surrender; 

all to him I freely give; 

I will ever love and trust him, 

in his presence daily live. 

I surrender all, I surrender all, 

all to thee, my blessed Savior, 

I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

humbly at his feet I bow, 

worldly pleasures all forsaken; 

take me, Jesus, take me now. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

make me, Savior, wholly thine; 

fill me with thy love and power; 

truly know that thou art mine. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

Lord, I give myself to thee; 

fill me with thy love and power; 

let thy blessing fall on me. 

(Refrain) 

All to Jesus I surrender; 

now I feel the sacred flame. 

O the joy of full salvation! 

Glory, glory, to his name! 

(Refrain) 

  If you’ve spent any time in church, chances are you know this song.  It has always been one of my favorites and every time we sing it in church, I throw my head back, open my mouth and sing with the gusto of someone auditioning for American Idol, or someone singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.  You get the point; I sing that song HARD and STRONG! I throw my hands in the air and bellow; “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all”.  Most of the time, it brings tears to my eyes and truth be told, there are times when I am feeling a small sense of pride that I have indeed turned my life completely over to The Lord and that I have indeed SURRENDERED ALL.

That is until the morning of Wednesday, May 30, 2012.  Picture this; Baltimore, 2012, the ballroom of the Baltimore Marriott Waterfront Hotel.  I have left my EXPENSIVE hotel room on the 16th floor (with a harbor view) and grudgingly made my way into the 10am Opening Worship Service of the 228th Session of the Baltimore Washington Conference of the United Methodist Church.  I’m here this year because my mother and another lady from my church are being recognized for the completion of a two-year Certified Lay Ministries Class and will become certified later this year.  It’s my first time at Annual Conference (as we call it) and because I am so totally over and out of love with the United Methodist Church, I have a slight attitude. I listened intently to the opening preacher, Rev. Zan Holmes, who was phenomenal (to my surprise). I shouted, “amen” and “that’s right” during his sermon. I applauded loudly and nodded in agreement as he set everyone else straight about their piety and self-importance.  “Good for them, I thought”…until, he recounted a story of God chastening him about his own arrogance.  Ouch! What was that I felt on my toes? I gasped inwardly as I became aware, reminded and convicted of my own arrogance when it comes to the United Methodist Church at large and even more specifically, the Baltimore Washington Conference.  I took a deep breath, swallowed and started to silently repent.  
Then, after the message, there was an altar call. I didn’t go forward, but there in my seat, as the Worship Leader and his band began to play and sing, “I Surrender All”, my hands went up and I sang along. Around the second time I sang the words, “I Surrender All”, it was as if I heard the Voice of The Lord say; “You lie. You don’t surrender all. You refuse to submit and fulfill your calling within the United Methodist Church because you don’t want to be a part of an organization you view as ungodly. You have not surrendered all.” Well, you could have stuck a fork in me because I. Was. Done.  I lowered my hands just a bit, and bowed my head as tears began to stream down my face.  I was lying to say I Surrender All.  I had been fighting The Lord (and everybody else) about my place in the United Methodist Church. I even refused to discuss ministry with my pastor because I had declared; “I want no parts of leadership in the Baltimore Washington Conference. I can’t be a part of an organization that doesn’t uphold Holiness and Godliness”.  The nerve, the unmitigated gall, the undisciplined audacity…the absolute arrogance.  So, while that song was still being played, I continued to cry and I continued to repent.  Boy, did I cry and boy did I repent! By the time the chorus was being sung for the final time, I raised my hands again and TRUTHFULLY sang; “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all”.  
When I sat back down, my hands were shaking and I was still crying. I picked up my BlackBerry and began to compose an email to my pastor.  After the greeting, the email said this; “After spending the majority of this morning’s Worship Service in tears and doing some serious soul searching, I need to go on record in the hearing (or reading, as the case might be) of my pastor.  If The Lord would have me to answer, fulfill, begin, (or whatever else) my calling in the UMC, I will obey.” There were a couple of other things that I wrote, but that was the main message.  It took me a little while to hit send on that email, but I finally did.  I’d told Pastor Berry I didn’t want to discuss it right away, so she didn’t respond to the email, even when she texted me later in the day (I’ve said before that I appreciate that she “gets” me).
Later that same day, I was in the part of another ballroom that Cokesbury (the United Methodist Book and Church Supply Store) had set up as their onsite store. I picked up a couple of books that would help me delve deeper into my understanding of the structure and history of the UMC. I’d picked up a Wesley Study Bible and was debating whether or not to buy it, when the instructor of my mother’s CLM class offered to buy it for me, seriously. I asked him if he was sure and he said that it would bump up his purchase enough to get a discount. I told him that I have about 35 (at last count) Bibles (so he wouldn’t think this was something I NEEDED). He said; “I do the same thing”; and held out his hand for the Bible. So, I thanked him and gave it to him. I believe that was just confirmation that The Lord has placed people around me and in my path to help me walk out the things He’s given me to do. 
When I got back to my room, I opened my new Wesley Study Bible to Isaiah 6, which is one of my favorite passages of Scripture and one of the Lectionary Readings for the first Sunday in June. It was opened up to me in a new light.  I’ve read that story many, many times. I’ve participated in many discussions about that chapter. I’ve debated and rejected the notion that Isaiah somehow idolized Uzziah and that was the reason he didn’t see The Lord until Uzziah’s death. I’ve talked about how being in the presence of The All Holy God makes me realize my own unworthiness. I am well versed in Isaiah 6.  Still, I read it differently on Wednesday.  I saw Isaiah acknowledge his sin and the sin of his people, and allow himself to be cleaned up.  I also saw (this is my interpretation, now. Don’t get all worked up) God basically say; “so what. You come out of the midst of an unclean people. I still need to send someone; I need to send someone from this group.  Who’s it gonna be, Zay?” Then, Isaiah realizing his unclean lips had been cleansed, said; “I’m here; send me”.  I said a series of; “Oh. My God” and my eyes filled again.  I (not God, but me) had declared the BWC ungodly, but here I was in the midst.  I’d allowed the Holy Spirit to cleanse me through the power of His Conviction just a few hours earlier. I said all that to say this; I’m standing right here, right now, cleansed of my arrogance saying to The Lord; “Here am I. Send me” because finally, I have indeed Surrendered All.

The Power of "WE"

I am struggling right now. Not with my relationship with Jesus; not with ungodly living; not with habitual sin. I’m not even struggling with acknowledging and accepting God’s Call on my life anymore (I never thought I’d be able to say that). I am struggling with the past; or maybe it’s the future. Actually, I’m struggling with how events in the past may affect the future. I’ve prayed about it, I’ve cried about it, I’ve tried to ignore it, I’ve tried to psych myself out about it. None of that worked; it keeps sneaking up on me and jumping on my back in an attempt to wrestle me to the ground.

So, a few days ago, I was sitting with someone going over paperwork and I kept seeing a name…over and over and over again. Because of the nature of the work, it was necessary for me to read and so I kept saying the name…over and over and over again. I felt my stomach tightening as my mind went down a rabbit trail. What I mean is this; the name I kept seeing had nothing to do with what was bothering me, but the association of the name did. Seeing that name and allowing my mind to follow Peter Cottontail, took me back. So, as we finished our discussion and I was about to be excused; I stacked my papers and tapped them on the table to line up the edges….over and over and over again. For a few minutes, I was silent (if you know me, you know silence is not my M.O. unless I’m angry or in deep thought). I began to erase blank spots on the paper and my heart started to race. The tightening in my stomach increased and I blurted out the connection that name had. I glanced up into surprised, thoughtful eyes as the person to whom I was talking said; “oh, mmmm”…over and over and over again, before asking me a single question.

The question I was asked opened up another can of worms and then…there was silence again. I rubbed, scratched and stroked my face repeatedly as the tightening returned to my stomach and my heart began to race again. So, without looking up (I kept right on erasing blank spots on that paper); I asked for help. That is not something I do well. I mean, if I need help with a project or I don’t understand something, I have no problem asking. But, to ask a person to help me understand me…nope, no good at that. I purposely wasn’t clear in my asking because I was hoping the person with whom I was working and talking would exercise some form of ESP and know exactly what was troubling me without me having to say it. If they did, they didn’t let on; so the questions came and I began to explain.

I’d asked them not to give me typical “Christian” or “churchy” answers. I didn’t need a bunch of Scriptures thrown at me. I know what The Word of God says and this isn’t about the spirit man of Engla, this is about the flesh, the woman, the totally human side. So, I didn’t expect super spiritual answers. I kind of expected to be questioned about why this thing was still an issue and why I hadn’t been able to let it go and move on. But that’s not what I got. I got compassion, some solid counsel, some transparency that let me know the person understood exactly where I was coming from, assurance that I’m not crazy (at least not based on this particular matter), confirmation that there isn’t anything wrong with me, and a committed resolve that “we will get this fixed; we’ll get through this stuff”. How about that... We…not “you”; but “we”.

When you’re hurting, when you feel like you may be alone and perhaps out of your mind, when you are confused and unsure, when you’re facing a Goliath and you see yourself as David without even a sling shot or a single rock; “we” is the single most powerful, valuable, affirming word you can hear from another human being. Especially when that human being is one you trust and whose input and opinion you value. I know I’m facing a lot, but the assurance that I’m not facing it alone in the Earth realm makes it just a little less daunting. So I say, thank you to the “we” people in my life. When the “I” part of “we” wants to run, I am confident that the “you” part of “we” will insist I stand (even if you have to help hold me up). The best thing about “we”, is that it works both ways. Whatever you face; “we” will get through that too.

Who is Whale? I'm Getting OLD!

Apparently, I’m old. I’m only 34 (almost 35), but at times I feel really, really old. Like last Thursday.

We have high schoolers working in my building for the summer. The young lady whom I supervise gives me a quote and song of the day every morning. The kids don’t work on Friday, so when she left on Thursday she stuck Friday’s quote and song on my computer monitor. The song was Pretty Girls by Wale. I looked at it and asked, “Whale?” She said, “no, Wah-lay”. I had to laugh at myself because I have no idea who Wale is. I was fairly certain no one had given their child a name that was pronounced Whale, and had to wonder why someone would use Whale as a stage name. Wale is still strange to me, but it’s a whole lot better than “whale”. Sometimes I feel like such a dunce around young people. Who knew being 35 was the same as being 96 when it comes to being hip?

Still a Michael Jackson Fan?

I wanted to write a witty post about my childhood crush on Michael Jackson. Strangely enough, I find I don’t really have it in me right now.

I hadn’t been a real fan for years, but I was totally in love with MJ when I was a lot younger. He was my first celebrity crush and I am saddened by his sudden death. I was surprised to find myself crying this morning while Ben played on the radio. My aunt admitted to tearing up this morning while watching MJ footage on television. One of my closest friends said she doesn’t even have the words to describe how sad she is. I guess we discovered that deep down, we’re still fans at heart. The music industry suffered a great loss on yesterday, and apparently, so did we.

Random Questions...a little more about me

I found these somewhere on the internet:

Do you wish on stars? Not anymore

What CD or album are you most embarrassed to admit to ever owning? Boy George and the Culture Club – the one with Karma Chameleon on it. It was in the 80’s what can I say?

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Not if I can help it

Do you think that you are strong? For the most part

What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk, but I haven’t eaten any in almost 2 years

Red or pink? RED

What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My temper, though it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be

Who do you miss most? Living - Charity Rose and Emmai; deceased – Karla and Grandma

What color pants and shoes are you wearing? jeans and silver Nike’s with a hot pink swoosh

What are you listening to right now? Everlasting Love – CeCe Winans

Last thing you ate? A square of 70% dark chocolate

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red

What is the weather like right now? warm and sunny

Favorite Drink? Water (I’m soooo boring)

FAVORITE SPORT? To watch – Ice skating, gymnastics, tennis or men’s basketball. To play – Racquetball and Galaga (when you’re as good as I am, a video game becomes a sport.)

Favorite Food? Teriyaki chicken

Last Movie You Watched? DVD - Death Wish. At the theatre – Seven Pounds (I need to get out more)

Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas.

Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy but realistic endings

Summer or Winter? Winter, I’d rather be too cold than too hot

Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs

What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Yellow cake from Tarsha’s Sweet Sensations Bakery and vanilla ice cream

What Books Are You Reading? Monster by Frank Peretti and Be Reverent, a commentary on the Book of Ezekiel.

What's On Your Mouse Pad? Sunflowers against a blue sky with a few scattered clouds and a lot of doodling

What Did You Watch Last night on TV? The end of “I’m Not Cursed Anymore”, a sermon preached by Dr. Iona Locke in 1997

Favorite Smells? A freshly bathed, lotioned and powdered baby

Favorite Sounds? My fingers flying over the keyboard when I’m inspired

Just A Little About Me.

I am a 34 (almost 35) year-old woman. I am single with no children. I am a devout Christian who is also a proud Democrat. No, the two are not mutually exclusive. I’m far more conservative than the average Democrat and far more honest than the average Republican. That’s right, I said it! I know not all Democrats are bleeding-heart liberals and I know that not all Republicans are liars and bigots. Those are the extremes most often portrayed in the media. I fall somewhere in the middle.

I am opposed to both abortion and homosexual marriage. I am also opposed to senseless war, a wretched economy, a terrible public education system and absolutely awful heath care and coverage. See, I don’t think abortion and homosexuality are political issues. I think they’re moral issues. For the record, homosexual marriage can be legislated, but homosexuality can not. I think morality is the responsibility of The Body of Christ, not the government. We can’t have a separation of Church and State when it’s in our favor and then ask the Government to intervene on behalf of Christian principles.

I believe that women CAN preach.

I believe that the five-fold ministry is still in operation and that there really are people who walk in The Office of The Prophet as well as those who operate in the Gift of Prophecy. I don’t believe that a large majority of the “well-known” prophets are actually prophets. I believe a prophet is more like the Old Testament prophets who interceded on behalf of nations, warned them of the dangers of not serving The God of Israel and told them how to fall in line. I don’t believe this house, car, job stuff that I mentioned earlier to be prophecy. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe it to be anything more than “ear-tickling”.

I also believe that if a message doesn’t have anything to do with Jesus Christ and how to have a better relationship with Him or how to live a life that’s pleasing to Him, it’s a waste of my time. I believe it’s perfectly fine to be corrected by the Word of God and I also think that unfortunately, quite a bit of what people say “in the Name of The Lord” is nothing more than skillful manipulation.

I believe that speaking in tongues is for real. I believe tongues can be used in prayer and in worship. I also believe that God can send a message in tongues to be interpreted. No one needs to interpret prayer and worship; God understands both just fine.

I reject the majority of the teachings that fall under “Word of Faith”. I don’t believe I’m giving satan any power by saying “my leg hurts” or “I don’t feel well”. I don’t believe that saying “my arm is killing me” is setting oneself up for a raging arm infection that will necessitate an unsuccessful amputation, ultimately leading to death. In fact, I think the notion of that is ridiculous. My brother and I both joke that we’ve gone into comas after a deep sleep. Neither of us has ever slipped into an actual coma.

I don’t think calling your child “Boo” will make them crazy. I called my Goddaughter “nut” for a long time because she was a funny, silly baby and toddler. She’s 10 now; and she’s perfectly sane, very bright and pretty mellow. I call my Godson “Pooter”; he’s not overly flatulent. I call my nephew “Jitterbug”; well I guess that’s not a good example because he really can dance! My niece is a chunky butt baby. Her nickname? "Fat Girl". I don’t believe she’ll be overweight for the rest of her life because I call her Fat Girl as a baby. I’ll stop before she learns to talk because I don’t want her to call anyone else by that name; especially me.

In my devout Christianity, I am also very aware of the world in which I live. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, though I would love for all to come to Salvation through Jesus Christ. I respect everyone’s right to believe as they chose, even if I don’t respect what they believe. I don’t hate homosexuals, I deplore their lifestyle and believe it to be a perversion and an abomination, but I don’t hate the person. I know and love some terrific gay people. I don’t brow beat them, neither do I hide the fact that I believe their lifestyle to be ungodly.

I don’t think that a woman who has or has had an abortion is a horrible criminal, nor is she a monster. I also think there is no way I can tell a 13 year old she has to have her father’s baby, nor could I force a grown woman to carry the child of her rapist. I'm not saying my feelings are right, but I have to be honest. That gets me in trouble with other Christians a lot. Now overall, I think abortion is wrong, what I’m saying is that I understand how someone may find themselves in a desperate situation and feel as though abortion is the only answer. I am opposed to abortion as a method of birth control or because “I’m not ready to be a parent”. I think you need to do everything to make sure you don’t get pregnant if you don’t want a child and be prepared to live with the consequences of your actions if your birth control fails. I also think sex outside marriage is a sin and if sex were kept in its proper confines, the abortion issue would ALMOST disappear. I’m not naïve enough to think that it would eliminate all abortion, but I think it would put a huge dent in the rate.

This is who I am.